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Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-