Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
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My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.