[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
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I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!