Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
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Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
Feels like the fourth month in January
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.