Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
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my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
Smile Twitter, Smile.
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.