Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
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My mother’s maiden name is Password.
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
Twitter is the new flypaper.
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.