Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
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Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family