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If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
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Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines