My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
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NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
Who says great literature is dead?
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*