Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
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Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…