purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
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so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
Two types of dogs.
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
2023 was just a warmup
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah