Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
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HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.