I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
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I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.