1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
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you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%