There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
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The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
I didn’t come here to be called names
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
This raises questions