Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
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If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.