6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
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Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.