I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
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Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
goldfish mafia
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
taking June’s advice to heart
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this