Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.
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scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
You are what you delete.
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
#DesignFail
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”