Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
You Might Also Like
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.