When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
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ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
Hot hot hot 🥵
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.