8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
You Might Also Like
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive