Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
You Might Also Like
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*