Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
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No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.