Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
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Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
those birds must be on payroll
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.