This is me
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cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
There is no “we” in pizza
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
become ungovernable
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.