Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
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I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
Goodnight 🐶
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
I gave up going to work for lent.
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”