I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
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Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.