Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
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A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
lmao
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.