Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
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Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!