Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
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If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.