The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
You Might Also Like
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.