Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
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911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
[eulogy]
line?
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.