Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
You Might Also Like
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
True?
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
Stop sending me this shit.
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.