I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
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[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
I have so many questions.
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.