-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
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It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.