My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
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Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
i have one speed and it’s mosey
I’m sure it’s fine.
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
[shakes fist at other fist]
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.