Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
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Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks