5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
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[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive