Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
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A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular