Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
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Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.