It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
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Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
RT if you know someone like this!!!
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.