Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
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I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
Put the is in disheveled
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.