If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
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*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.