Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
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Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
58.
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
You know I’m something of a chef myself
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them