Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
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Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.