Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
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I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.