if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
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once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.