My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
You Might Also Like
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.