my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
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Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
I’m a bad influence on myself.
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
based al yankovic
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant